The Breath of Fire Channel!
by Father Hulk
Summary: Breath of Fire has its very own TV station! It features all kinds of shows, from cooking shows, to soaps, to news... we've got it all! *UPDATED 6-15-03*R/R please!
1. Tolens For Treasure

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THE BREATH OF FIRE CHANNEL!

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Watch this channel, or we'll kill you first!

Chief Director: Father Maximillian J. Hulk

Camera Work: Father James. F. Manson

Lighting: Bishop Henry T. Fitzwilliam

Audience: You guys!

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TEST PATTERN…

*BREATH OF FIRE MUSIC PLAYS AND A DRAGON APPEARS ON THE SCREEN*

Welcome to another fabulous programming day, here on Breath of Fire Network, WBOF! To start the day, here's everyone's favorite gameshow, Tolens For Treasure!

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It's Tolens For Treasure! Watch as our contestants compete to earn Tolens, and then toss them out hoping to win big money and fantastic prizes! I'm your announcer, Rad K., and here's your host, Carpenter Jack!

JACK: Thank you, thank you!

(Audience Clapping and cheering)

JACK: (waves)

(More clapping)

JACK: Okay, let's quiet down! (turns to camera) Hey, everybody! Top of the mornin' to you all! I'm Carpenter Jack, and this is Tolen's for Treasure!

(Audience cheers)

JACK: Let's meet our contestants! First, all the way on the left, we have a brash young man named Win. Win, tell us about yourself.

WIN: Well, I live in the city south of Mt. Fubi, and I have lots of friends and I enjoy messing with people's window colors. 

JACK: Fascinating! Next to him, is beautiful and fair Kay! Welcome to the show, Kay. What do you do for a living?

KAY: Well, I'm a doctor. I help people prevent poison. But my dirty little secret is that once they go through one battle, it's completely for nothing! Muaaahahah!

JACK: … … I'm not gonna touch that one. Finally, on our right, we have Daisy Marks! Talk to us!

DAISY: I live in Farmtown and I hate St. Eva! I hate em I tell you! You St. Eva bastards can all… (stands up and bends over, butt facing camera. Slaps butt) …kiss my big, farm-lady booty!

JACK: …………I shall have nightmares!!!! Ahem… Anyway, let's take a look at the first item you will be competing for!

RAD K.: Iiiit's two coupons for a free PanPizza at Carpenter Brad's exclusive TownShip restaurant! Brad's the world renowned chef that is famous for cooking almost anything! And his PanPizzas are superb! Try one today!

JACK: Thank you! Okay, let's decide who will play the first game! (Brings out a large sack) Each of you, stick your hand in this bag. The person who comes out with the 10Z coin gets to play.

DAISY and WIN: (Stick their hands in and they get bitten by an E.Sludge)

KAY: (comes out with 10Z coin) Yaaay! I won, I won!

JACK: (Room turns red and fire surrounds him, and he flicks a snake tongue) You haven't won anything… yet! Hahahah! (Everything turns normal again) Alright, Kay, come on down!

KAY: (Joins Jack down on the stage)

JACK: Hello, Kay.

KAY: Hiiii!

JACK: This first game is called "Char Me Silly." What will happen is this: Our assistant, the lovely enchantress Bleu, will take you to a secret hunting area, and will cast fire over the whole area. Only ONE of the parcels left in her wake will contain the Tolens. The others are all charcoal. You have 30 seconds to find the parcel containing the two Tolens. Are you ready?

KAY: (gulp) I guess.

BLEU: (slithers out and puts her arms around Kay.) Come with me, dear. (Teleports Kay to Asuza's Hunting Grounds: Plot 36) Now stand back. (Waves wand, and there is an orange blast as all the animals are fried.) Now good luck! (Vanishes)

KAY: (Runs to the parcel closest to her.. It's charcoal! Dashes around a bush, it's charcoal! 21 seconds… crowd is cheering her back in the audience.) Oooh, there's so many! Umm… (tries the one all the way by the fence. Charcoal! 14 seconds… Tears two open… both Charcoal! Runs all the way to the other end of the compound…)

CROWD: 5! 4! 3! …

KAY: (Throws herself on the nearest parcel and rips it open)

BELL: DING DING DING DING DING!

(Two shiny, silver Tolens are in the bag! Kay obtained Tolen!)

BLEU: (Reappears) Well done, well done! Right in the nick of time!

NICK: Hey don't use my name like that!

KAY: 0_o

BLEU: Whatever. Let's return! (Teleports Kay back to the set)

JACK: Welcome back, Kay! Job well done! You now have two Tolens that you can use to obtain these coupons! Do you want to try to win them now, or do you want to save the Tolens for later?

CROWD: (mixture of shouting NOW! And LATER!)

KAY: (nervously) I'll try now!

CROWD: (cheers)

JACK: All righty then! My lovely wife, Donna, will place the coupons on the big Othello board! Thank you, dear. Now, all you have to do is sandwich the coupons between your Tolens, and they're yours. Go for it!

KAY: (steps up to the board, hesitates, then tosses a Tolen. It lands to the direct left of the coupons)

CROWD: (cheering)

KAY: (bites her lip, closes her eyes and tosses the other one)

SOUND EFFECTS: (foghorn!)

KAY: (Clenches fists) Ohhh noooo!

JACK: I'm so sorry, Kay. Just missed it too. We're going to take a commercial break, and then we'll be back with more fabulous prizes!

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It's scintillating scandal this afternoon on As Township Flies. _Nina thinks Ryu is hopelessly in love with Katt, until Ryu gives Nina a birthday present she'll never forget! And, is Bow really the innocent guy he claims to be, or does his past hide something darker? Find out today at 2 on _As Township Flies,_ here on WBOF!_

HIGHLANDER: Have you been injured or hurt? Could you be eligible for large amounts of Zenny? If so, we urge you to call the HighFort Soldier Service today! Hi, I'm Trubo, and my colleagues and I have been administering severe pain and punishment on people who have hurt YOU. For the lowest prices anywhere, we will attack, bring down, and destroy those who so badly messed up your life. Send us your case by Basilisk or Harpy, and we'll get you results!

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AND NOW, BACK TO THE SHOW!

(CROWD Cheering)

JACK: Hey, everybody! Welcome back to Tolens For Treasure! Rad K, can we have the next item please!

RAD K. : It's a beautiful Diamond Earing! Made of the finest diamond crafted by the elements, it's guaranteed to keep you awake, and it's also a trendy fashion statement! Perfect for that special lady in your life!

JACK: Okie day, let's see who gets to play for Tolens this time around! Bleu, the sack please!

BLEU: (Brings sack)

(All three shove their hands in. Zombie hands come up and pull Kay and Win into the depths of the sack, Daisy comes up with the 10Z coin.)

JACK: Okay Daisy! Come on down, you're our next contestant!

DAISY: (looks back) but what about the other two?

JACK: (smiles) They'll be back. Now then, it's time to play a game! This is a game called Wacky Roulette! (Takes Daisy over to a roulette table) As you can see here, we have a roulette wheel, but you will notice there are no numbers. Instead, there are two Tolens positioned on the wheel. There is also a crank here, which spins the location of the Tolens. When I spin the Roulette wheel and drop the ball, you have five seconds to turn that crank as much as you'd like before it locks, and then if the ball stops on a Tolen, you win both of them. Got it?

DAISY: Got it.

BELL: Ding!

(Wheel begins to spin. Daisy turns the crank at a medium pace for the full 5 seconds, and then it locks. Ball goes around and around and around… Stops on a Tolen!)

DAISY: Yeeeha! I won! Eat that, St. Eva sons of *WHOOPS* ! I won!

JACK: (Hands the two Tolens to her.) Now, it's time to compete for the diamond earring! Step up to the Othello board! Now, Kay's Tolens are still on the board, which makes it a drop easier for you to win. Now, toss them!

CROWD: (cheering)

DAISY: (Tosses the first Tolen boldy. It lands in the corner, away from everything. Frowns, but tosses the other one. It lands opposite one of Kay's Tolens, sandwiching the earring!) Booyah! I'm the winner! (Grabs earring and puts it on) Don't I look mah-velous? Simply divine?

CROWD: (Booing)

DAISY: Oh shut up! You don't know nothin' bout me! That's right! You don't know nothin'!

JACK: Riiiight. 

(Kay and Win drop through the ceiling back into their seats)

JACK: Okay, it's time for the big kahuna prize! The winner of the next game will get four Tolens to try to win the big one! This prize is… Rad?

RAD K.: It's a shiny Tiger sword, Jack! Crafted by the Woren clan back in the days of the Dragons, it is guaranteed to make foes "get the point"!

JACK: All righty then! Since Kay and Daisy played the last two games, it's all up to you, Win! Are you prepared to take the challenge?

WIN: Yes sir, I am!

JACK: Then let's win those Tolens! Your game is simply this: We have here a woman who will not stop talking. If you can shut her up, we will give you the four Tolens. Good luck.

WOMAN: And then, me and my friends were like, oh my God! And then we were like, and then…

WIN: (Puts his hand over her mouth… no effect. Smacks her over the head. …no effect. Tries everything he could think of. Then he gets an idea. With a wave of his hand, he changes the window color to match the color of the text, so you can't see the text. A silence falls.

CROWD: … (cheering madly!)

JACK: Wow, what brilliant use of your special talent, Win! Congratulations, you win the four Tolens! Now, here we have a 50 by 50 Othello board. If you can sandwich that Tiger sword, you win the game.

CROWD: (holding breath)

WIN: (Throws first Tolen, it lands right to the left. Second lands all the way to the top of it. Third lands to the right, and the fourth…………… lands on the bottom!)

CROWD: (goes mad)

JACK: (hand on head) I don't believe it! A double sandwich! (holds Win's hand up) We have a winner! Donna, give this lucky young man his prize!

DONNA: (Hands Win the sword)

WIN: (grins evily) Yeeessss… I have the POWER!!!! (Holds sword up to the sky. Stormclouds roll in, and in a brilliant bolt of blue lightning, Win is…

…electrocuted.)

JACK: Well, that's all the time we have for now, but join us tomorrow morning for **Tolens For Treasure!**

(End credits roll)


	2. Fantastic Food Happy Hour

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Fantastic Food Happy Hour!

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It's the world's number one cooking show! Follow along with us as we make spectacular recipes to wow the taste buds and please the stomach. Hosting the show is master cook and carpenter, Brad Mitchelson, and his beautiful wife Martha! Let's join them down on the set!

BRAD: Hey everyone! Welcome to the Fantastic Food Happy Hour! I'm Brad!

MARTHA: And I'm Martha!

BRAD: Boy oh boy do we have a treat in store for you today! We're going to be making some deLICious biscuits, and my wife is going to show us how to make our specialty, Wisdom Balls! So let's get started! 

(Brad and Martha put on their aprons)

BRAD: Okay, let's start with the biscuits. We use prime ingredients for these babies! What's the first step, Martha?

MARTHA: We get our Frizbees all the way from the far-off land of Guntz. They're full of spark energy, so first we have to neutralize them.

BRAD: okay, let's do that. (Takes two Frizbees and places them in boiling water. He waits until the sparks die down, then takes them out and Martha gives him two more. He repeats until there are 16 Frizbees sitting on the counter.) All right, these babies look like they'll make some good biscuits. But there's something we have to do to them first, right honey?

MARTHA: That's right. Here, give me two of them, and what we do is put them on the frying pan for a minute or so, like this. (Drops two Frizbees on the sizzling frying pan, shakes it back and forth, then takes off a single item.) See, now we have a bittersweet-tasting Dinker!

AUDIENCE: (Mild clapping)

MARTHA: Now we just make one more Dinker… (makes Dinker on frying pan. Takes it off.)

BRAD: Mmm, mm! Smells really good! Okay, now that we have our two Dinkers, we put them on the baking sheet. What we would do then is make three more sets of Dinkers, and bake them on 450 degrees for about forty minutes.

MARTHA: We prepared a batch of biscuits the same way before the show, and they come out like this. (Brings up a baking sheet from under the counter with four hot, steaming biscuits on it.)

AUDIENCE: (light clapping)

BRAD: These things are the best, and (takes bite) mmf… can't be beat!

MARTHA: Well, they're my mother's special recipe, handed down over many generations.

BRAD: Okay, now it's time to move on to our next recipe, the magical Wisdom Ball! Now, these are supposed to be very hard to make, aren't they Martha?

MARTHA: Yes, they are, Brad. In fact, there are only a few dozen chefs in the whole country that can make them just right.

BRAD: Well, let's hope I'm one of them.

AUDIENCE: (laughing)

BRAD: Okay, do you have those Fiery Spices, Martha?

MARTHA: Yes, they're right here. (places a big jar of red powders on the counter)

BRAD: Okay, now in order to cook Wisdom Balls, we need Tunas. (Goes to freezer and removes a bunch of big Tunas.) Now the first step is simple. We group two Tunas together, and we pour a bit of Firey Spice on them, like so. (Puts two Tunas next to each other, and pours Fiery Spice on it. There is a poof of smoke, and when it clears, a small pill is resting there.) Okay, great! Now we've made a stamina pill! Now ordinarily, we could keep this and take it to give a spring to our step and more wind to our lungs, but that's not what we're here to do.

MARTHA: Now give me that, and what I'm going to do is place it in a pot with 2 more Tunas, and we'll wait for about 5 minutes while it simmers.

BRAD: Let's take this time to go to these messages from our wonderful sponsors, and then we'll be back!

AUDIENCE: (clapping)

**__**

Loving Laura continues to be the number one bestselling theatre show worldwide. Audiences from all countries have fallen in love with its dramatic storytelling, enchanting music, and tearjerking ending. **Loving Laura** is currently playing at Tunlan's Center-Stage Theater, and it won't be there for long, so now is the time to see it. Buy your tickets from the Tunlan ticket box, or go online to www.tunlantixx.com. See it now!

RYU: Hi, I'm Ryu Bateson.

NINA: And I'm Nina Windia. Tonight on the 10:00 news, we have more info about the robbery that took place this morning in the city of Gust. Police say that a Gold Fly was the suspect in the robbery of a man's lunch. 

RYU: Plus, Katt Chuan will have your latest weather, and Sten is going to fill us in on the world of sports.

NINA: See you tonight at ten.

BRAD: Okay, everyone, we're back!

AUDIENCE: (claps)

BRAD: Okay, Martha, is that recipe all simmered up?

MARTHA: Yes it is. (Pours contents of pot into a colander. We see a shining, clear ball.) 

BRAD: All right! We made a Wisdom Ball! It's perfect!

AUDIENCE: (claps)

MARTHA: Wisdom Balls were first discovered by a tribe of witches back in the early seventh century. They are known for their ability to boost your magical ability, as well as make you a little brighter.

BRAD: (chuckles) I know some people we should give that to, then.

AUDIENCE: (laughs)

BRAD: Okay, well, we're just about out of time, but we certainly want to thank all of you for being here, you've been a great audience! We can't wait to see you again!

MARTHA: That's right, Brad! Tomorrow, we'll be baking my personal favorites, Potpourri!

BRAD: All right! Well that's all for now! See you next time, everybody!

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Credits roll 


	3. As Township Flies

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AS TOWNSHIP FLIES

ANNOUNCER: Last time, on _As Township Flies…_

KATT: (stands from her chair) Ryu, what are you saying?

RyU: (takes her hand) Katt… I love you.

KATT: (puts hand over her mouth)

NINA: (standing in doorway. Crosses arms and scowls)

RAND: Come on, Bow, let's go into the church in Gate and talk to the preist.

BOW: I'd rather not.

STEN: Why? What's wrong?

BOW: (looks away.) I'll meet you back at the house.

NINA: (combing hair while looking at her calendar. Her birthday is tomorrow.)

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And now, today's episode of As Township Flies.

RYU: (lying on the couch with Katt, kissing her)

KATT: (sits up a little) Ryu, I love you!

RYU: I love you too, Katt. (more kissing)

KATT: Are we going to be together forever?

RYU: (big sigh) Yes, we are.

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RYU'S THOUGHTS: I don't know how I got roped into this. I like Katt for her body… but there's plenty of other women out there I'd like to get my hands on.

KATT: Ryu, are you okay?

RYU: Hmm? Yes, yes, I'm fine. (pulls her back down.)

STEN: (eating breakfast with Bow and Jean) Hey, boss?

BOW: What?

STEN: What are we going to do for Nina's birthday?

BOW: (chewing) Make her a party I guess.

JEAN: (looks up) I can cook, if you like.

BOW: We'll see. I'll have to ask Ryu if he wants to help.

STEN: Why wouldn't he?

BOW: Well, he's so infatuated with Katt, he may not even want to acknowledge Nina's presence.

JEAN: I don't think Ryu is like that.

BOW: Oooh, you don't know Ryu like I do. He's…

RYU: (walks in) I'm what?

BOW: (startled) Umm… we were just talking about Nina's birthday party.

RYU: (scratches back of his neck) What about it?

BOW: We were just wondering if you'd want to help us.

RYU: Hmm… well…

JEAN: Oui, mistress Nina, she is very lonely. I'm sure it would make her happy to have everyone there.

RYU: (Rubs his chin. Thinking _Hmm… maybe I will go to Nina's party. I'm sure she'll like it if I'm there. In fact, I know she'll like it._)

(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

RYU: That'll be Father Hulk making his weekly rounds.

BOW: (runs off)

RYU: (opens door) Hullo, Father Hulk!

HULK: Good morning, sir Bateson! (sees door slam down the hallway) What was that all about?

RYU: (Looks back) I have NO idea.

HULK: Eh, well, you have the donations for the week? St. Eva relies on the good of his people.

RYU: Yes, let me get my bag.

STEN: (walks into the room that Bow ran into.) Hey, are you sure everything's okay?

BOW: Yes, yes. (Looks towards front door.) Is he gone?

STEN: (turns and looks) Yeah, he's gone. But why did you run in here all of a sudden? It's like you're afraid of him.

BOW: (loudly) I'm not afraid of anything! (Softer) It's just that… I'd like to try to stay away from the St. Eva Church.

STEN: Why?

BOW: (sigh) You promise not to tell anybody?

STEN: You guys saved my life. The least I could do would be to keep a secret for you. Tell me anything!

BOW: Okay. It all started about twelve years ago…

(RYU, RAND, JEAN AND SPAR ARE HANGING UP DECORATIONS AND STREAMERS IN PREPARATION FOR NINA'S PARTY, WHEN RYU HEARS NINA COMING DOWNSTAIRS, SINGING SOFTLY.)

RYU: Oh crap! Nina's coming!

RAND: Well, go distract her!

RYU: (Runs to meet Nina, who has just reached the bottom of the stairs) Hey hey hey! How's our little princess?

NINA: (smiles) She's doing just fine. I'm just going to take some breakfast. (Walks towards kitchen)

RYU: (Puts hands on her shoulders.) Ahhh, hang on a second!

NINA: What?

RYU: Umm… how'd you like breakfast in bed?

NINA: No, that's okay. I can get it myself. (Pushes past him)

RYU: (Runs in front) Wait! Umm, I insist! As a token of my kindness.

NINA: (nervous laugh) Ryu, it's really ok…

RYU: (Puts hand on her shoulders tighter) Well actually, I won't let you move unless you let me.

NINA: (giggles) You jerk. Let me go!

(There is a playful struggle, and Ryu winds up with his arms around Nina's waist.)

NINA: Oooh…

RYU: What is it the Borgs say? Resistance is futile.

NINA: Well, I guess I have no choice. I'll be waiting for you… upstairs… (goes back up stairs and winks at Ryu)

KATT: (Has been standing in the hallway) A-HEM!

RYU: (Turns, startled) Oh… Katt! Hi!

KATT: Don't "hi" me. What was that all about?

RYU: I was trying to stop Nina from going into the kitchen because we're preparing for her birthday party tonight.

KATT: Uh-huh. And that involves wrapping your big arms around her?

RYU: Katt, it's not what it looked like, okay? (Goes over to her) Besides, these big, strong arms are reserved for one person only. (Puts his arms around Katt) And that's you.

KATT: (smiles) Well… no more fooling around, ok?

RYU: You got it.

KATT: Why don't you come in the living room and pay for your mistake?

RYU: Oh, ok.

As Township Flies _will be back after these messages._

Coming up next, it's "Kid's Corner" here on WBOF. First, it's _Sludgey and Friends._ Explore and discover with Benny the Sludge as he and his friends learn what it means to be a kid. Afterwards, it's _The Animated Adventures of Ryu and Bow._ Join our heroes as they travel, and learn to share, make friends, and stay away from bullies. Coming up next on WBOF!

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The Second half of our program is brought to you by Uncle Andrew's Biscuits. Crispy on the outside and scrumptious on the inside, they're guaranteed to fill you up right!

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And now, back to As Township Flies.

(BOW IS EXPLAINING HIS PAST TO STEN. AS HE SPEAKS, WE SEE FLASHBACKS THAT DEPICT WHAT HE'S NARRATING.)

BOW: So, it started when I was very little… I was on the run. I'd been kicked out of my home… The St. Eva Church in a city called Azkar took me in. Aside from living there, I served as an altar boy and helped out with services.

STEN: I don't see how that's anything bad.

BOW: Let me finish. After a while, I became exposed to… the _other_ side of the St. Eva religion. They did all these rituals by fire… often, a lot of people died each time. They took pleasure in death. And every Sunday… they did their highest ceremony… Carousel.

STEN: Carousel?

BOW: Carousel. The Church was very strict as far as the rules of the church… those who broke the rules were imprisoned. In prison, they were beaten, whipped, tortured… I had to witness all of it. And then, on Sunday… the prisoners were tied to a cross and placed in the center of a ring of fire… the high-priests walked around in a circle… chanting prayers… and then a wisp of white smoke would rise from the fire… and would fly into the prisoners and cause instant death.

STEN: Whoa.. that's pretty heavy.

BOW: Well, weight has nothing to do with it.

STEN: Riiiight. But I'm still not clear on one thing. How does this make you a bad guy?

BOW: (softly) Because I was sentenced to Carousel. And… I ran away. Now, if they find me, I will surely be killed. That's why I can never let them see me.

STEN: (big silence) Wow. All this time…

BOW: So promise me that you'll keep me safe from them?

STEN: You got it, boss. You got it.

(RYU IS BRINGING A BREAKFAST TRAY UP TO NINA'S ROOM)

RYU: Breakfast is served!

NINA: (lying in bed) Oooh, what a treat!

RYU: (sets tray down on her lap) Here you are!

NINA: Thank you. (brushes her hair out of her eyes) What did you get me for my birthday, Ryu?

RYU: (looks around. THINKING: _This is my chance._) (smiles mischievously.) Well, it's something really special.

NINA: What is it?

RYU: Welllll… (lies down on bed next to her) It's something you'll really like.

NINA: (excited whisper) give it to me!

(They start kissing and touching each other. It goes on for a few minutes, and then Katt, who has come upstairs to get her staff, pokes her head in the door and sees everything)

KATT: RYU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RYU: (Looks up) 

TO BE CONTINUED… __

As Township Flies is a production of WBOF. 


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